Two too many times...

I can't quit crying this time. I feel I have had to say this too much and now it's about someone I loved. I can't believe he is gone. I don't know what to do with myself anymore….

RIP Brian I love you forever and always. Until we can be together.

Brian Sullivan <3

Well my people, i don't think i can stand to spend anymore time with my mother. I can't live through her grouchy bitchyness anymore.

Vacation

So in an hour I am leaving to go to Idaho for the next two weeks… I have to try my absolute hardest not to think about you know who… I'm going to use this time away from ND to forget about the douches… Wish me luck, I'll keep y'all updated with short entries from my phone.

I love you all!

Remember When by Avril Lavigne

Remember when I cried to you a thousand times
I told you everything
You know my feelings
It never crossed my mind
That there would be a time
For us to say goodbye
What a big surprise

But I’m not lost
I’m not gone
I haven’t forgot

[chorus]
These feelings I can’t shake no more
These feelings are running out the door
I can feel it falling down
And I’m not coming back around
These feelings I can’t take no more
This emptiness in the bottom drawer
It’s getting harder to pretend
And I’m not coming back around again
Remember when…

I remember when
It was together ‘til the end
Now I’m alone again
Where do I begin?
I cried a little bit
You died a little bit
Please say there’s no regrets
And say you won’t forget

But I’m not lost
I’m not gone
I haven’t forgot

[chorus]
These feelings I can’t shake no more
These feelings are running out the door
I can feel it falling down
And I’m not coming back around
These feelings I can’t take no more
This emptiness in the bottom drawer
It’s getting harder to pretend
And I’m not coming back around again
Remember when…

That was then
Now it’s the end
I’m not coming back
I can’t pretend
Remember When

[chorus]
These feelings I can’t shake no more
These feelings are running out the door
I can feel it falling down
And I’m not coming back around
These feelings I can’t take no more
This emptiness in the bottom drawer
It’s getting harder to pretend
And I’m not coming back around again

Shredded

G made me feel better :) he supported me etc. and I am glad I have him here to guide me and help me.

Since I have been so angry lately, I shredded a popped floaty into dozens of pieces. Jeff and Jon gave me permission to use the BIG KNIFE!

Moral of the story: Don't use me or i'll destroy you!

Douchebags all around

So if you didn't read my last post "Shame" click here to read it now. You kinda need to read it before anything else makes sense because I don't feel up to par with recapping it again.

So after that douchebag ruined my night… summer… etc. I have a douchebag brother.

Should a 13 year old try and tell a 17 year old (who is much stronger) what to do? No.

See, here is a break down:

Back in Montana there was this group of 7th graders who rode the bus with the high schoolers (the two schools shared a bus due to lack of funds). Those 7th graders attempted to harass the upperclassmen. This continued as they became 8th graders in which time they became more ballsy and chose to harass the entire group of high schoolers on the bus. Now, one thing must be understood, the high schoolers couldn't do anything as these middle schoolers were still deemed children. When the 8th graders became freshmen, all hell broke loose and they were continued to be harassed and basically bullied all freshmen year and i predict all this year.

Now, my brother has turned into one of these sorts and I don't see it ending well for him. I am no longer protecting him. He to can have a nice life because I am going to leave it.

Anyone else want to be a douche too?

Shame

This happened before i even got the chance to tell him how i feel. It was completely random

After a nice dicussion… here is what I get:

S:In all reality i shouldn't even be with you. your too young

Me: After the past few monthes… u decide this now?!?!

S: Yes. I have a military career now and i cant afford to screw it up.

Me: Wow thank you for telling me now… after i have made a fool of myself

S: Well I know how you feel i dont want to but i gotta think of whats best for you and me

Me: When exactly were you planning on saying anything? Or were you gonna just blow it off

S: I wasn't blowing it off I was trying to think of a way to say it without anyone getting hurt but i guess i suck at giving news to anyone

Me: You suck at timing… btw that is the definition of blowing it off

S: What else do u want me to say. im a horrible guy i know this

Me: No you aren't

Now i'm curious and bear with me one this…when did you decide u wanted to end this?

S: I dont have a good answer for you. i really dont and i wish i did

Me: i do too cuz that would either make me very relieved or very very angry but now i guess im stuck

S:If your gonna get mad at me for this make sure its for the right reasons. All I wanted us to be was a lil touch and grab thats all and obviously after you are sexually with someone some feelings develop and i know how you feel about me. i should've stopped sooner but i couldnt

Me: Im mad that you didnt say anything earlier because now i feel like an idiot again

S: you have every right to be pissed at me

Me: damn straight i do but im not all that mad at U

S: well you cant blame me entirely on this one u were part of it too

Me: i dont regret it unlike u… i am an idiot

S: Just sayin it takes 2

Me: Ik i called myself an idiot would u rather i call myself a whore or something?!?!?!

S: Idiot is fine

Me: okay im just upset

Are you sure you don't knwo when you decided u were don or do u just not want to tell me?

S: a lil of both

Me: Please tell me

S: Im not ready

Me: Please.

S: I cant not yet

Me: I need to know

I dont want to get fucked over again please tell me this isnt just about you

S: I was still in love with my ex and i needed an escape and you were my escape but im too stupid to realize how dumb i really am

Me: k

S: Go ahead fuckin yell make yourself feel better i deserve it

Me: Honestly i cant think of anyting to say. i have spent the last 20 minutes trying to think of something but i give up.

S: i'm sorry thats all i got

Me: Of course you are

It's my fault I let my guard down I trusted you and I got used and hurt AGAIN the SAME way just you skipped the bull shit on your half

So thanks for everything really it was a blast but i think it's best if we just have nothing to do with each other for awhile til then have a nice life

so again my heart has been ripped out and i dont want to go through stupid fucking shit all over again especially with who this guy is and who his family is

Use me once shame on you

Use me twice shame on me

… I fuckin hate men!

Fucked

Tell me, how the hell did I fuck up so bad?

Was it just by fucking in general?

Please someone tell me the answer!

I'm screwing my head up more than he did!

Tuesday, August 2nd, the guy I fell for will leave. The odds of me seeing him again are against me. He doesn't know how I feel. Should I tell him? I know he probably doesn't feel the same back. So why would it hurt if he knew? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME! I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE!

Cry for help

I'm sending out this cry for help.
I'm trying to re-design myself. Get a new look and new me.
I've dyed my hair blonde.
Gotten facial after facial.
Gotten my nails professionally done.
Wear make up no matter what.
Made my boobs perkier with exercise and went up a size.
Lost 3 inches of my waist and 12 lbs total.
Gained muscle.
And finally stay shaved soft and smooth.
I am trying to lose more weight.

9 muffins went missing from the fridge this morning… I ate 2. I have no idea where the others are.
Mom
Me
Dad


Kathren Jane where are the damn muffins?
I don't know.
How many have you had?

I had 2 at 7 when I got up to pee.
Bull shit!
What?!?
You ate all of them!
No I didn't!
Then why are the muffins gone?
Uh, you ever think that maybe someone else ate them?
Bull shit fat ass!
Excuse me?! Look at yourself. You ain't no supermodel!
You ate them!
I'm trying to lose weight. You've seen what I eat! Why the fuck would I eat 9 damn muffins if I want to lose wieght!?!?!?!?!?
…
Lori, she has a point.

Long over due R.I.P.

Austin! We love you so much and every time I think about you I burst into tears! What I would give to be with everyone else who loves you so much is impossible to say! It is so tragic and horrifying! You were such a great guy! Anyone who didn't like you should have taken your place!

Austin Wanner, 17, dies in car accident on I-15 outside of Great Falls, MT

P.S.A.

I would just like to make an announcement of how very proud I am of my daddy!!! He made SMSgt!! I'm so proud of him! Next goal… CMSgt! I love you daddy!!!!!

SMSgt Stripes

Click here for rank placements and explanations

Mierda mi vida

You win. You were right. I lied to you so you'd know I didn't miss you. Things we did I now regret. I thought I wouldn't but after this stunt, I do. I am fucking done. You are an ass hole and I never NEVER want to speak to you again!

Vent

I am not really sure what I want to say… I've done things I never dreamed I would do… I felt the way I have never felt. I feel as though I have loved without loving or wanting. I have made relationships that may last a lifetime or just for this moment. I have made friends that will be there forever and are true. Friends aren't the bitches that talk behind your back, or the people who lie and cheat with your fate. I have made friends that are the opposite sex and they are the closest people I have to a happy family.

Amber! I fucking hate you! I can't stand working with you! Please move to where ever the fuck you are going already! We at the pool are all sick and tired of your baptist-bible thumping-sheltered-homeschooled attitude!

I think that the way to describe how you make me feel every second of every day is distanced…

Christina Perri "Distance"

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To say what we have

So I make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long til we call this love, love, love?

This song can say it or any other song along those lines… its how I feel I just wish you'd tell me how you feel. You bring out the best of me, the worst of me, things about me I didn't even know. You bring me past my fears. You have pulled me through hell into heaven. You have helped me regain what I lost, polish it, and let it shine. Is it so much to ask for you not to leave me… here of all places. Take me with you. set me free. Please luv, don't leave.

I have nothing against baptists. Just Amber is a bitchy dumbass.

I'm better…

I don't feel completely off now… Though I believe fully that my life is falling apart. Can I denounce the catholic faith here? Or should I save that to scream at my mother? Hmm… We are more likely than not moving. Good right because I hate it and my FB is leaving soon? Nope sucky leaving in the middle of my senior year when my buddy is putting off enlisting for a few more months. My job, probably won't be mine much longer. I feel I will be forced to quit here shortly… I believe I've said this before but living on a small base like this fucking sucks! Drama and shit… It's frustrating… If I could learn to keep my mouth shut, not mention what I've heard, seen, etc. Please just mierda mi vida!

Mierda mi vida= Fuck my life

Scrolling

I was looking through my old blogs, and I saw that I was mentioning a person named Elly… She is a bitch she fucked up my life… that was a long time ago cant stand her and so ya screw that shit

Not again, please?

Things aren't supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to feel this shitty with you. We aren't really together and I miss you? I never thought that things would go like this. It may not be what you feel. You've had time with who you are. You can just do things and move on. If you say you've changed from the way you used to be, that you were the biggest ass, what are you now? I said that I could do this, all I wanted was some fun, but obviously I can't handle that without feeling like this every night. Maybe it's the sleep I can't get thats eating me away or maybe it's the sense that i've finally received. Maybe I have been given signs from God, but chose not to listen. I don't want to face that reality that will come. All I wanted was a fling, then you'd leave and it'd be over. That isn't what happened though. I'm falling fast and hard, i've fallen too far to be caught now. I should just be left, falling. So now, I will just sit here, cry and move on. I'm done going out of my way for you. If you want something buddy, work for it.

Honestly, something is eating at me, preventing me to sleep or feel happy. I wear my mask so well. Apparently you didn't notice until I said I was mad. Maybe we should wait. But we aren't together. So maybe we should just not be whatever we are. You be there and i'll be here. That's how it'll be, crossing paths eventually.

Maybe I'm just not going crazy. Maybe what i'm talking about is real. Do you notice it too? I should just shut up.

I'm not sure what is wrong with me but i'll be sure to let y'all know when I figure it out. Until that time, I could disappear or just be oblivious. All I ask is for peace. Peace now. Peace later. Just leave me alone. I'll come back around, I always do, eventually.

Rumors Spread Fast

Living on an installation where there are less than 500 people is hell. Everyone knows each others business. Before you know it, who came over to your house while your parents were gone was everyones business, or that you left the house at 10 pm in a truck with someone or that you were caught talking to that person outside of work after hours for hours. Everyone has their own idea of what happened to… "OMG they were having sex on the back of his truck!" FYI at the moment i'm still a virgin. "OMG I saw him go int her house for an hour. They were doing it!" AGAIN, I am still a virgin. I just wish people would find something better to do than stalk the lil ol lifeguard who is "innocent"

To explain

To explain my last blog you must join me inside my life. This week hasn't been the best in my book. I wanted to give up. I mean, the thought process in my head was, what is the point of going forth if you have no motivation. I'm sure everyone has those days. They aren't that great so why do they hurt us so much. Why does life have to be so hard? A good life is worth working for. No one should ever have to feel like they don't deserve life. If you don't deserve life then why did God create you. Everyone has a reason!

We all need to cry

If there has ever been a bad week for you…
If you've ever worried about the future…
If you have ever been stuck hoping with no prevail…
If you've ever wished to get away…
If you've ever wanted to give up…
If you've ever given up…
If you've ever lost someone…
If you've ever just wanted someone to hold you…
If you've ever felt alone…
If you've ever needed love…
If you're tired of life…

Cry. CRY. CRY! You are loved! You are never forgotten! Don't give up! YOU ARE AMAZING!

Roman Orange Soda???

So I am so like tired ya know! Like I couldn't celebrate my new year the way i wanted it tooo but damn straight… I am celebrating now!!!! I gots me some stuff that has yummy stuffs in it! I gots me some orange soda and an itty bitty amount of rum and white wine! oh no wait its vodka or is it spelt vadka… i think its vodka… i am so like wow like on my third one and i am hahaha typing with two pencils!!!! it is kinda funny. but the sad thing is that i have church at like eight and its like almost 2!s uh oh?!!!! i should prob dump da rest of this chizzyshiz out huh????? ya i tink soooooooo!!!!!