28 April 2011
Things aren't supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to feel this shitty with you. We aren't really together and I miss you? I never thought that things would go like this. It may not be what you feel. You've had time with who you are. You can just do things and move on. If you say you've changed from the way you used to be, that you were the biggest ass, what are you now? I said that I could do this, all I wanted was some fun, but obviously I can't handle that without feeling like this every night. Maybe it's the sleep I can't get thats eating me away or maybe it's the sense that i've finally received. Maybe I have been given signs from God, but chose not to listen. I don't want to face that reality that will come. All I wanted was a fling, then you'd leave and it'd be over. That isn't what happened though. I'm falling fast and hard, i've fallen too far to be caught now. I should just be left, falling. So now, I will just sit here, cry and move on. I'm done going out of my way for you. If you want something buddy, work for it.
Honestly, something is eating at me, preventing me to sleep or feel happy. I wear my mask so well. Apparently you didn't notice until I said I was mad. Maybe we should wait. But we aren't together. So maybe we should just not be whatever we are. You be there and i'll be here. That's how it'll be, crossing paths eventually.
Maybe I'm just not going crazy. Maybe what i'm talking about is real. Do you notice it too? I should just shut up.
I'm not sure what is wrong with me but i'll be sure to let y'all know when I figure it out. Until that time, I could disappear or just be oblivious. All I ask is for peace. Peace now. Peace later. Just leave me alone. I'll come back around, I always do, eventually.
24 April 2011
Living on an installation where there are less than 500 people is hell. Everyone knows each others business. Before you know it, who came over to your house while your parents were gone was everyones business, or that you left the house at 10 pm in a truck with someone or that you were caught talking to that person outside of work after hours for hours. Everyone has their own idea of what happened to… "OMG they were having sex on the back of his truck!" FYI at the moment i'm still a virgin. "OMG I saw him go int her house for an hour. They were doing it!" AGAIN, I am still a virgin. I just wish people would find something better to do than stalk the lil ol lifeguard who is "innocent"