Vent

I am not really sure what I want to say… I've done things I never dreamed I would do… I felt the way I have never felt. I feel as though I have loved without loving or wanting. I have made relationships that may last a lifetime or just for this moment. I have made friends that will be there forever and are true. Friends aren't the bitches that talk behind your back, or the people who lie and cheat with your fate. I have made friends that are the opposite sex and they are the closest people I have to a happy family.

Amber! I fucking hate you! I can't stand working with you! Please move to where ever the fuck you are going already! We at the pool are all sick and tired of your baptist-bible thumping-sheltered-homeschooled attitude!

I think that the way to describe how you make me feel every second of every day is distanced…

Christina Perri "Distance"

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To say what we have

So I make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long til we call this love, love, love?

This song can say it or any other song along those lines… its how I feel I just wish you'd tell me how you feel. You bring out the best of me, the worst of me, things about me I didn't even know. You bring me past my fears. You have pulled me through hell into heaven. You have helped me regain what I lost, polish it, and let it shine. Is it so much to ask for you not to leave me… here of all places. Take me with you. set me free. Please luv, don't leave.

I have nothing against baptists. Just Amber is a bitchy dumbass.

I'm better…

I don't feel completely off now… Though I believe fully that my life is falling apart. Can I denounce the catholic faith here? Or should I save that to scream at my mother? Hmm… We are more likely than not moving. Good right because I hate it and my FB is leaving soon? Nope sucky leaving in the middle of my senior year when my buddy is putting off enlisting for a few more months. My job, probably won't be mine much longer. I feel I will be forced to quit here shortly… I believe I've said this before but living on a small base like this fucking sucks! Drama and shit… It's frustrating… If I could learn to keep my mouth shut, not mention what I've heard, seen, etc. Please just mierda mi vida!

Mierda mi vida= Fuck my life

Scrolling

I was looking through my old blogs, and I saw that I was mentioning a person named Elly… She is a bitch she fucked up my life… that was a long time ago cant stand her and so ya screw that shit

Not again, please?

Things aren't supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to feel this shitty with you. We aren't really together and I miss you? I never thought that things would go like this. It may not be what you feel. You've had time with who you are. You can just do things and move on. If you say you've changed from the way you used to be, that you were the biggest ass, what are you now? I said that I could do this, all I wanted was some fun, but obviously I can't handle that without feeling like this every night. Maybe it's the sleep I can't get thats eating me away or maybe it's the sense that i've finally received. Maybe I have been given signs from God, but chose not to listen. I don't want to face that reality that will come. All I wanted was a fling, then you'd leave and it'd be over. That isn't what happened though. I'm falling fast and hard, i've fallen too far to be caught now. I should just be left, falling. So now, I will just sit here, cry and move on. I'm done going out of my way for you. If you want something buddy, work for it.

Honestly, something is eating at me, preventing me to sleep or feel happy. I wear my mask so well. Apparently you didn't notice until I said I was mad. Maybe we should wait. But we aren't together. So maybe we should just not be whatever we are. You be there and i'll be here. That's how it'll be, crossing paths eventually.

Maybe I'm just not going crazy. Maybe what i'm talking about is real. Do you notice it too? I should just shut up.

I'm not sure what is wrong with me but i'll be sure to let y'all know when I figure it out. Until that time, I could disappear or just be oblivious. All I ask is for peace. Peace now. Peace later. Just leave me alone. I'll come back around, I always do, eventually.

Rumors Spread Fast

Living on an installation where there are less than 500 people is hell. Everyone knows each others business. Before you know it, who came over to your house while your parents were gone was everyones business, or that you left the house at 10 pm in a truck with someone or that you were caught talking to that person outside of work after hours for hours. Everyone has their own idea of what happened to… "OMG they were having sex on the back of his truck!" FYI at the moment i'm still a virgin. "OMG I saw him go int her house for an hour. They were doing it!" AGAIN, I am still a virgin. I just wish people would find something better to do than stalk the lil ol lifeguard who is "innocent"